It’s only one month until ABC starts holding us all hostage with the flaming garbage that is the Bachelor franchise, and their newest Bachelor is already getting trolled. That’s right. The trolling of Colton Underwood has begun, and it’s not even from me. It’s by his goddamn producer. So does that make me qualified for a job at ABC? Because I have over 3-5 years’ worth of experience trolling their leads.
Last night, one of the producers on The Bachelor took it upon himself to
copy and paste a crude rendering from my personal burn book blast TF out of Colton with this amazing Instagram post comparing Colton to The 40-Year-Old Virgin. An hour later, Judd Apatow posted it on his own account. Later, ABC then posted it on the official Bachelor Instagram at @bachelorabc. Behold the shade:
First of all, it shocks me that someone from ABC had enough personality to come up with this hilarious post. But I also find it offensive that they’d compare the ICONIC Steve Carrell to The Chargers’ glorified water boy. Please.
Now, if you’ll recall, this is funny because Colton is, as we all know because ABC won’t stop beating it into our heads, still a virgin. Colton even went so far as to ask Chris Harrison which hole to put it in on live f*cking television. (I paraphrase.)
The moment Chris Harrison realized he would have to add, “sex-ed teacher” to his job title
So, like, way to be subtle, ABC. The best part? They kept the movie’s tagline: “what does he have to lose?” Cause like, what does Colton have to lose? Certainly not his dignity! I think he lost that right around the time ABC started holding his family hostage in exchange for him letting Tia feel him up in Mexico.
A number of former contestants commented on the post because where there is a minor publicity stunt on IG, there is a Deanie Babies and Wells Adams ready to test my sanity with their thirsty comments. Normally my stance concerning Dean is to ignore anything he says. Unless it’s “Kristina, I’m sorry I gave you a reason to think that a Russian orphanage was better than breathing the same air as my trifling ass” but I saw that he responded to Wells’ comment. And it was actually pretty interesting. The exchange goes as such:
@wellsadams: At first I thought this was photoshopped. I’m proud of you for making it happen.
@deanie_babies: @wellsadams I thought the same thing
I’m sorry. It’s NOT photoshopped? I have so many questions. Colton willingly did this photoshoot? This is real?? Are we human? Or are we dancer?
Colton does realize the end goal is to get some unsuspecting future SugarBearHair model to actually want to bang him, right? Because right now I have a feeling all of his contestants are picturing a fantasy suite that involves sweaty hands and a producer stepping in to show him how the bra clasp works. Good luck, girls!
Well, kids, guess we’ll have to wait until January to see if ABC makes the first 10 minutes of Colton’s season a remake of the best scenes from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Should
make me want to start the new year by jumping off a bridge be lit!
Images: @billdixonish/Instagram (1); ABC (1)
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